What my husband does right and my exes did wrong (Part 2)

Last night a South African guy asked me ‘Why did you marry your husband? Is it because he is white or because he’s from Europe?

Like those were my only two options.

I simply told him I was looking for a few things in a man

I didn’t want a normal church boy.
I wanted a guy that has searched out God and discovered God for himself. Someone that’s not afraid of going against what normal good-meaning church folk says.

I did a school of biblical studies.
I didn’t want someone who would quote the Bible back to me.

I wanted someone who has gone through life and has seen the reality.

Sometimes you pray and God doesn’t answer. What does that say about God? What does that say about you? Are we God because Jesus said in Psalm 82

‘Don’t you know that you are gods?’

Or are we simply human because God said in Isaiah 45:5

‘I am the Lord your God there is no one besides me.’

I wanted someone who was past that phase of being popular on social media. Who was not driven by likes and comments. Who realized that social media does not define his worth or mine.

But also realize that there’s much power in social media. I’m a blogger, and for the longest time, I got paid that way.
Someone that understood the line between social media and reality.

Yes, I look good in pictures. Anyone can take a picture of themselves on the day they look good.

But what about when I wake up in the morning with messy hair and stink breath?
What if I get pregnant and get fatter after the baby is born?
What if I wake up in the morning hating myself?

Would he still see the beauty in me and remind myself when I can’t remember who I am? Or was it all about my looks and my body?

I didn’t care about what the person would wear, but if he happens to wear expensive clothes, does that define him?

Does money, cars, iPhones define him? And if we couldn’t afford it anymore? Would he still have the confidence in knowing I love him just the same?

I was looking for a person I could build a life with. And those were questions I asked myself.

Who am I? Am I willing to love him the same and be that person for that man?

And of course, stuff like loyalty, staying when it’s easier to leave, etc.

So, those were the things I was looking for in a husband. And I held myself to that standard, can I be that type of woman?

Many people don’t know Marcel pursued me for 5months. And many days I didn’t respond.

People told him she is playing with your emotions, give up.

But he knew he wanted me and he never stopped pursuing me. Even after we started a relationship, the first time he kissed me was after he asked me to marry me.

He showed me there is more to me than the body and physical beauty. Our conversations lasted for hours and our laughter for days.

So, when he asked to marry me, I said yes. Not because he is white or Europen.

His blue eyes, dark blond hair and Dutch language are mind-blowingly- orgasmic fricken awesome, but there’s so much more to my husband than I could ever tell on any social media or to anyone.

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If you missed part one, click here

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Instagram needs normal pictures too

Just a normal picture of me. Like many other pictures I have of myself, that gets lost on my camera roll. Never to be seen again.

But I like this picture.

Why?

I don’t know.

I think cause it’s a normal picture of me. I don’t expect any compliments. I know there’s no Instagram filter. No crazy makeup.  Just a moment freezed in a busy lifetime.

Instagram needs normal pictures too.

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Lies we tell on our resumes

As motivation on my resume, I always include ‘I work hard and I persist.’

I often times ask myself, do I really?

In my mind, I imagine someone who works hard and persist as a world-class athlete. A Caster Semenya.

Or someone that climbs Mount Everest.

They work hard. Often many people see it and praise them for it. They have something to admire.

What do I have to admire?

I know I work hard and persists. But when I’m asked to write about it, I feel like I’m lying on my resume.

My subconscious tells me: You finished school, you wrote 4 books, you are enough. But then I remind my subconscious of all my failures. because sometimes we see so much failure that the small success doesn’t take much space up in our brain. We compare our lows to other peoples highlights.

Tonight I got the answer. I agree that I’m enough.

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Working hard and persisting is also for us ‘normal’ people. With everyday life obstacles, persisting in quiet times when no one sees. No news broadcast of our heroic day. No Mount Everest picture on Facebook.

Working hard and persisting can occurs in small things.

For me, one of the times, it occurred when I applied to university. As a South African student, applying to a Dutch university, took effort.

Acquiring all the documents, scanning it, uploading it, waiting for the reply.

It seems easy enough. No hard work or persistence. Not quite right. It’s been 10years since I left school, so it’s obvious that some things have changed, and some documents I have lost.

I emailed the government, the education system, everyone with an email address. I’ve had telephone calls and ‘please wait’ repeated to me a dozen times. Just to be re-directed to a new number.

‘Good day, I’m inquiring if it’s possible to get these documents after 10 years?’

‘Yes, but it takes 8weeks and you have to donate a liver and a heart in order to get it.

The universe came through and I had all the necessary documents authorized by the proper authorities.

Time to scan.

My scanner broke, I was broke. The deadline is getting closer. Finally, I got my salary and went to scan the documents.

Time to upload.

My wifi always works. But on the day I need it the most, it failed me. Murphey’s law.

Not a problem, my friend has wifi. I get there and my computer decided it doesn’t want to charge.

I end up using my friend’s computer. My husband, that’s in The Netherlands, uploaded half of the documents that I’ve sent to him via Whatsapp because my wifi on the phone didn’t want to work.

All of this seems like it should’ve taken a day, but I’ve learned in life, things that are supposed to take a few minutes, can end up taking a month.

Last week a friend of mine asked me to help her with her resume.

I said: ‘Yes there’s an app for that. It takes about 5 minutes’.

It took me three hours.

The app kept closing every time before I was almost done. I started over 6 times. Then switch over to typing it on the laptop. Of course, the laptop went off and didn’t want to start again.

At this point, you probably wondering if my laptop has issues. It doesn’t. It works perfectly well when I watch a random youtube video, but the moment I need it to work, it acts up.

I managed to get the laptop on and retyped the resume. My friend was getting impatient.

“Chantal, you said it will take 5 minutes. I have to be back before my kids come back from school.’

I could feel the tension in the room.

…And then it was done! Just to send it to her email. I’ve sent it 3 times and she didn’t receive it.

At the time I felt like a failure. My cheeks and ears were red. What was happening?

She let me know the following day she received it.

Thinking back, I consider it a success. I worked hard on it and persisted.

These are small occurrences in my daily life. I know I’m not a suffering refugee.

I can tell you about the time I applied for my residency permit for The Netherlands, but I think you know how it went.

Bottom line: In our everyday life we work hard and persist, that failed fries that was supposed to be crispy, the failed Pinterest DIY.

But you make food again and try Pinterest diy’s again.

So, the next time you write a motivational letter or update your resume, feel free to write ‘I work hard and persists.’

When they ask you in the interview why you consider yourself a person that works hard and persists, mention a day in your life you thought you’d never live through, and there you are sitting in front of them.

Sometimes surviving a day, shows you work hard. Continuing doing it all over the next day, shows you persist.

PS: Guess what happened when I tried to upload this post up the first 6 times 😉

But if you’re reading this, it means uploading the blog post was a success!

 

 

How to deal with depression in a busy life

As someone with bipolar, I know depression well. I started trying different things four years ago, and these seem to help me. I hope it helps you. I tried to keep it short and to the point. I know life is busy! 🙂

  • Do not forget to eat, even if you do not have appetite. Depression makes some people loose their appetite and causes others to over eat.
  • Do some exercise.
  • Prevent staying in bed even though it is tempting
  • Your brain is wired to think negatively, change your focus onto something more positive
  • Drink water
  • Make sure you take rest. Don’t over work.
  • Take periods of time just to rest and don’t feel guilty about it.
  • Take your medication as prescribed
  • Don’t stop taking your medication when you start to feel better.

    Depression influence everyone differently, use these tips as guidelines because you know yourself better than anyone.

  • Your problem has been solved. You just haven't arrived in that point in time yet.

Are fashion bloggers shallow?

A friend of mine inbox me this morning to borrow some money. I noticed that it was the second one in this week asking me for money. This is unusual for me. Not because all my friends are super rich, just that I don’t have any real friends apart from two people (Not the people who asked for money)

That being said, I have no objection to helping people out, as I myself have been many times in a place of needing. And kind souls have helped me out.

So, why this post about whether or not fashion bloggers are shallow?

Well when I explained to the person that I cannot help her at the moment, because the sum was huge, she told me ‘Yeah, you living the life. I see your pictures on Facebook. Every week a new outfit but now you don’t have money for me. All you care about is clothes, you are so shallow’

I recognized the emotional manipulation. However, the answer didn’t upset me much, just the idea that fashion bloggers can sometimes come off as shallow and all we care about is shoes, clothes and the shade of red lipstick we wear on our lips.

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With any blog, you choose a theme for your blog. Lifestyle, writing, spiritual fashion, a little of everything’ then predominately that blog will be about those things.

If someone has a Spiritual blog, no one says ‘You are so shallow’.  They think this person is super spiritual (however I believe all beings are spiritual, we just live in our physical bodies now) 

But in their daily lives they might like fashion, cars or gourmet food. They just happen to have a blog specifically about spirituality.

I'm not what you think I am.You are what you think I am

Source: I made this but used the image of DG

So, fashion bloggers, just like any other bloggers, blog about what they are passionate about.

I follow everyone that follows me, and I look through the blog posts daily and I smile. Fashion bloggers gives me what’s new in the fashion world, inspire my personal style and give bad ass reviews about things I care about.

The other blogs I follow give me insight into food, writing, beauty, mental health, poems, love,life,adventures, farms and a whole lot more. I read widely, and it is lovely to see all the creativity and thoughts. It inspires me.

I don’t think fashion bloggers are shallow. I don’t think I’m shallow.

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Source: Lupytha Hermin

 

 

 

What my husband does right and my exes did wrong.

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I have taught many men have loved me. But as I lay here tonight, I realized that  is not the case. I’ve not been loved until my husband came along.

These are things I’ve realized about my previous relationships.

Being loved is not ‘liking’ my pictures. It’s not making my face your profile picture. And I have to be so proud because it means you are not cheating. It’s not tagging me in all the pictures and saying ‘she’s mine‘.

Love is not possessive. Unsure. Or social media.

It’s finding genuine beauty in my soul and appearance when I’m down and out. When the blow dry has been out for days. When I need a hot-water bottle for my stomach at 3am. When you know I take 2 sugars in my coffee but I don’t really drink coffee. I change my mind and you change what we have in the fridge. ‘No coffee today, no tea today, so maybe I should get juice’ he says and smiles.

But I also love him. And that gives me the opportunity to bend myself around him. Bend my ways, in love. With bending comes breaking. Like breaking my bad habits. I want to say it’s difficult because everyone says it is, but it’s so easy. Destroying my bad habits became so easy.

It becomes easy when you know that not only you, but another being also, is doing their best to build a great present and future. Building a respectful, loyal loving space to live.

Now here comes the part where people say (and have said: ‘Oh just wait for the bad times and we’ll speak again.’

I don’t wait for bad times, because if you wait for something it will come. And we have had a fair share of ‘bad times’. But even in those moments I realize this is the man I love and he is alive, with me. Breathing. Whatever pisses me the fuck off right now, is not worth it.

So we ‘fight’ (Relatively short because I’m a Virgo. I’m  a problem solver )We sit in silence. After a while he suggest or I suggest getting a glass of wine or juice or water. We think. And focus on what’s important. What’s the problem, what can we do about it?, what can’t we do about it? Somewhere in there I get snacks and he gets a notepad for our plans of action.

And you move on to the next day and the next and the next.

No, we don’t have all our shit together, but love is a beautiful thing to witness.

 

 

 

 

Self love & depression

When I think about loving  and accepting myself I think about vanity. Like ‘Okay, I love my body, I love my face, I love my hair’ or whatever I might not be liking and then conditioning myself to like that particular part.

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With a world full of Photoshop and filters, self love has become even more sought after. And it makes sense. You see all of these images of unattainable beauty and you feel inadequate about your own.

There’s a quote that says ‘The presence of another human’s beauty is not the absence of your own.’ (…Or something like that)

I like it, but do we as a society truly believe it?

Today’s post is not about outer acceptance, even though that is also important. I’ve made the journey to accepting most of myself and I’m quite comfortable. Here and there I still struggle with my body, but it gets better.

However, I had this thought that loving myself is much more than standing in front of a mirror, trying to find myself in the face that stares back at me.

The idea of loving yourself has been very dear to me. And so today’s blog post is inspired by Court‘s video. You can check it out here.

In the video she mentions 5 signs that you don’t love yourself. I was stuck on nr3.

Basically she explains how loving yourself is also eating well, drinking enough water and sleeping.

And then I knew I had to write this post, to get it of my chest and to share with you. Because that’s what I do best.

I’ll be speaking more on the side of depression as I’m a person with bipolar and depression is no stranger to me. I hope this helps someone.

Here we go!

I’ve come to understand that loving yourself is taking care of hygiene.

This is something not everyone speaks about, but if you’d ever had depression, then you know hygiene is one of the first things to go.

Take a shower everyday and if not everyday, then every day. it’s difficult I know. Some people reading this might even think ‘Eew disgusting!’ But I’m not writing this for those people. I’m writing this for you. I know what it feels like.

But also I know what warm water over my body feels like. It’s like a hug from nature to you. Massage your neck with the water. wash your hair. massage your scalp. Put clean clothes on. Change your bedding.

Loving yourself is also eating well…Or sometimes just eating. Even if it’s Mc Donalds, at least getting that food in your mouth and giving your stomach cardboard to chew on mimics the feeling of being fed. Not the healthiest choice, but hey.

But to actually love yourself, feeding your body the proper food it needs will make you feel better. But you know that already. People with depression know that probably better than most people. The problem however is to get out of bed, go to the stores and get the food. Then come home and cook it. Day after day, breakfast, snacks, dinner etc. Sometimes you don’t have money for healthy food or the stove don’t work or your life don’t work or you don’t work.

And so fast food seems like an option. I know the feeling. But try. And tomorrow is another day.

Loving yourself is drinking enough water. Enough said.

Loving yourself is exercising. Such an easy sentence to write, so difficult to do when one is depressed. Here I am trying to loose the Mc Donald’s pounds I’ve been gaining. It was raining and my Marcel and myself was in bed, nicely tucked away. But I got out of bed and died a thousand times while running. This is the part where I say that it made me feel better. It really didn’t. Running makes me feel awful. But knowing that I ran makes me feel good. And after a while, I feel the health benefits.

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I think as primitive humans we didn’t have cars, we had donkeys etc. We moved around more. Now we have all the luxury as a necessity of some sort. That’s what causes the problems. Back then people worked on farms, walked for miles and was more active then the average person today. They had fresh food, real food. Period.

But they also died of things we today can easily avoid because of the advanced medical field . (However, I think sometimes it would be wise to use more herbs etc in our medication, but that’s just me)

And finally, loving yourself is mediating. Or becoming still. It gives your mind the chance to reset and disconnect with the world. Which is necessary , the world is overwhelming at times.

Facebook, IG, twitter, snapchat etc is great, but leaving it for one hour or even 15min to focus on yourself is needed. You won’t miss much anyway. You can always go back and everything will still be on social media. Like this blog post, like your aunt who posted a picture of her new baby, like that cute boy who sent you an inbox.

First love yourself, take care of your mind then go back into the world and little by little sunshine will appear.

It’s the little things in life that makes big differences.